As parents, we all want what’s best for our children, especially regarding the company they keep. Friends play an enormous role in shaping how our kids see themselves, their decisions, and even their life direction. So, when we see our child gravitating toward peers we believe may have a negative influence, it’s natural to feel worried, protective, and maybe even frustrated.
But before jumping to conclusions, let’s take a moment to pause, reflect, and consider how we can approach this delicate situation with love, empathy, and wisdom.
Validate Your Concerns, But Look Deeper
It’s okay to be concerned about your child’s friendships. You’ve likely noticed behaviors or dynamics that make you uneasy. Maybe this friend group doesn’t reflect the values you hold dear, or you’ve observed behaviors that seem risky or disrespectful. These concerns are valid and must be addressed.
However, remember that children and teens have an innate and powerful need for belonging and connection. During this time in their lives, they are figuring out who they are and how they fit into the world around them. Sometimes, this exploration leads them to friendships that don’t align with what we envision for them.
A Poor Choice Does Not Equal a "Bad" Child
It’s essential to resist labeling your child—or their friends—as “bad.” Engaging in behaviors we perceive as unfavorable is often part of the process of learning, growth, and self-discovery. Just as we’ve made mistakes, our children will, too.
Instead of viewing these friendships as inherently harmful, try to see them as an opportunity:
What might your child be seeking in this relationship? Is it a sense of belonging? Adventure? A shared interest or struggle?
What lessons can this experience teach them? Navigating even challenging friendships is part of learning emotional intelligence, boundaries, and self-respect.
Explore Your Child’s Definition of Friendship
Take time to talk to your child about what friendship means to them. Ask questions like:
“What do you like about this person?”
“How do they make you feel when you’re around them?”
“What does a good friend look like to you?”
This approach helps you understand your child’s choices and opens the door to meaningful conversations. You might discover that your child values qualities like loyalty or shared experiences, even if those qualities come packaged in a friend you find challenging.
Discuss Consequences: Positive and Negative
All friendships have consequences, both good and bad. Help your child explore these without judgment. For example:
Positive Consequences
“How has this friendship helped you grow or feel supported?”
Negative Consequences
“Have you ever felt pressured to do something you weren’t comfortable with because of this friend?”
When discussing consequences, focus on cause and effect rather than blame. This helps your child think critically about their relationships and make informed choices in the future.
Show Grace and Compassion
Black families, in particular, know what it feels like to be stigmatized or misjudged based on perceptions from the outside world. Extend the same grace to your child and their friends that you’d hope others would extend to you. This doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to unhealthy dynamics but approaching the situation compassionately.
Teach Empathy Through Example
Use this opportunity to teach your child empathy and grace by offering those same qualities to their friends.
Be a Positive Influence
Always remember, you are your child’s first and most enduring teacher. Though you can’t control every friendship they form, you can create a strong foundation of values and model healthy relationships.
Invite Friends Into Your Home
Your child’s friends might benefit from your family’s influence, regardless of background or behavior. Instead of pushing these friendships away, consider inviting your child’s friends into your home. Let them see what love, respect, and stability look like in action. This doesn’t mean tolerating disrespectful or harmful behavior but extending grace and showing kindness.
Build a Foundation of Trust
Ultimately, the friendships your child forms are less concerning if your family has built a foundation of trust, strong values, and open communication. If your child knows they can come to you without fear of judgment, they’ll be more likely to share their challenges and successes.
Instill Family Values
Instill your family’s values early and often. Encourage conversations about respect, kindness, and making choices that align with who you want your child to become. Remind your child that your love and support are unwavering, even if they make mistakes.
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